Inter-Caste Marraige and Patriarchal Society: Abdul Kalam Azad

It was 2004. I was studying in Assam University, Silchar. I was in a rented house at Irongmara. Being a Muslim it was very tough to manage a rented house in the said area. My friend Santu, suggested me to use my nickname ‘Suman’ to get a house, I did so and got the room. The land lady was very affectionate.

Just few days before the Durga Puja, my birthday was celebrated very auspiciously and most interestingly as per the Hindu tradition. I wore Dhuti-Panjabi, my room was decorated according to the Hindu myth. My classmates and friends attended the function and gifted me lots of books, pens and show-pieces. They made the day immortal in my memory. My best friend who decorated the room with flowers and colorful balloons, wore a cherry red sharee. My land lady was passing comment “These two will be perfect couple!” We were happy and smiled each other. We came to much closer during Durga Puja, Mahalaya’s Prabhat Ferry was something exceptionally delighted to us.

One day suddenly, I came back to Guwahati and never visited Assam University and Irongmara. I lost every connection with my classmates and even with her too. We had never been a couple!

Today, after 8 years, I find that this Durga Puja asked me some odd questions. What ff we were really a couple? Would we have been a perfect couple or the worst one? Would it be have been possible for me to refrain my self from religious affiliation? Would it be possible to me to honour her religious identity? Or what would our child’s religious inclination be? His/her surname? etc..

I know, great thinkers like Dr. Ambedkar also advocated inter-caste marriage and feast to combat untouchability and casteism in India. Many state governments have initiated incentives for inter-caste marriage. After knowing all, this how my mind dares to think such peculiar thought?

You may summarily reject my negative thinking just throwing me to the hell of insanity, conservatism and even religious fundamentalism. But you can’t undermine the sufferings of a girl.

Again, with due respect and apology to your secular setup, I would like to request you to wetness my imaginary conflict in my mind-

Suppose, I was in deep love with best friend, we were crazy for each other. We were ready to renounce the world for each other. Friend, family, religion and even society were not any big hurdle to our love. One day we got married as the provision of special marriage Act. Her family boycotted her forever, her society imposed an infinitive ban on her. I took her to our family. Though I was not sure, my family accepted her! I felt proud (How liberal my family was!). Like a good bride she was learning each and every practices of our family. Knowingly or unknowingly I was ignoring all these process. Some times I thought there is nothing wrong if she acquires all these and sometimes I felt guilty, perhaps she thinks “Our marriage has come to grief because of you”. My mind was dwelling like a pendulum. Socio-cultural obligation has bounded me severely, I couldn’t stare at her. I do not want to rewind my memory to those romantic days. I feel ashamed, I am forced to think “Have I made a mistake 8 years back?”

Today, after 8 years, when she visits a Puja Mondap along with our little angel, I do not feel happy. I head off towards the complaints of my family members. I diktat her not to visit any Puja Mondap, but to enjoy Bakri Eid.

Yes, in my imaginary battle, I was defeated by the norms of patriarchal society, I lost to honor religious identity and most significantly, I lost to give a secular identity to our child.

Thank God, we have never been a couple. I wish she is happy as she was 8 years back. At the same time, I salute all those who have saved their love from the aggression of religion and norms of patriarchy society!

Abdul is a first year student of Social Work at TISS, Guwahati. This post was origanally posted on his blog here.

These are the personal opinions of the author and do not represent the fieldnotes editorial team or any other organization at TISS.